Posted 1 year, 8 months ago mid-afternoon by oso
This is my girlfriend, Mari. She’s beautiful and she’s kind. I love her very much.
As many of you have already realized, this post had very little to do with butterflies and everything to do with her. Our encounter was to be brief and fleeting if at all. True to form, I showed up in chanclas and a t-shirt. She opened the door, I lost my breath. Photos don’t do certain people justice. “Nice of you to get so dressed up,” she said and we both laughed. The tone of the evening was set.
There was wine and thai food, conversation and laughter, twinkling eyes, and two cocktails. She drinks whiskey, straight up.
I had never thought about it until that evening, but when we let go of a hug, it’s a meaningful gesture. It means I’ve had enough of this, our embrace is over, it would be awkward to not let go, I’d be pushing boundaries, a hug doesn’t last longer than a second or two.
That night I didn’t let go, I couldn’t. It was a hug that deserved a perfect 10, even from the Russian judge. In a couple days I would leave for Seattle, then Venezuela, then Brazil, then Argentina, where I would find an apartment, a favorite cafe, a group of friends.
— Yes, when someone changes the subject three times in a row it means that they’re uncomfortable answering the question.
— No it doesn’t, it’s just that nothing really occurred to me …
— Then you could have said that. You could have said, “I haven’t really thought about it” instead of changing the subject three times … because, obviously you were uncomfortable.
— You can’t tell me I was uncomfortable. You’re not the grand arbiter of what people feel or how they react. There was no reason for me to change the subject, I just did.
— What do you mean there was no reason! Of course there’s a reason. There’s a reason behind everything we do.
— Ummm, no there’s not. You have this image of how everyone should be and when they don’t fit into your boxes then you say they’re not being honest with themselves.
— What I’m saying is that there’s always a reason behind everything that we do. Maybe it’s subconscious. Do you even know what that means? It means you’re not aware of the reason. It means you’re not aware of why you changed the subject, but yes, there was a reason.
— You know, I remember I used to have this very narrow view of how everyone should be and how they should act too, but you’re going to have to realize that not everyone’s the same and you’re going to have to accept that. Some people really do things without any reason. Just because …
In Art of the Novel Milan Kundera argues that Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina marks a new era of Western literature. Specifically, he argues that Anna Karenina’s decision to kill herself was a revolutionary act in the novel precisely because it made no sense. There was no reason, no logic behind it. And that, argues Kundera, is closer to the reality of human nature than anything that had ever come before. If the purpose of the novel is to shed light on human nature, then Tolstoy was the first novelist to admit there are some things that just can’t be understood.
That’s a hard notion for me to accept. If there’s no reason for what we do, then why do we try to understand ourselves? Why are we held responsible for our actions? Why do we try to become better people?
Or, here’s a circular question: If there’s no reason for what we do, then why do we do it?
“You bloggers, I just don’t understand you,” a friend of mine said over the phone. “It’s like you guys have to analyze every single thing you do; from what you buy to what you watch to who you hang out with. I mean, doesn’t that take away from just enjoying life without questioning and documenting everything?”
That was the same question I was asking myself last night, sitting on a cold tiled bench in the BART station, too exhausted to be miserable. My pale hand resting on Mari’s warm, thin thigh. To the left of us, standing, was an East Asian kid lost in his headphones. His figure was slumped in loneliness, his eyes staring blankly ahead, not at the opposite wall, but through it. There was a familiarity about his posture, his disconnectedness, that reminded me of my last metro ride back to the hotel before I got mugged in Caracas.
Why do I have to try and understand every god damned thing? Why am I so desperate for answers? Why can’t I just shut the fuck up and smile and enjoy life’s contradictions? Why do I obsess over making sense of every damned incongruence in my life?
“Why don’t you just love first and let everything make sense afterwards?” she had said.
This is my girlfriend, Mari. She’s beautiful and she’s kind. I love her very much.
i agree with mari, just love first. let it make sense later. and just so you know, it may never make sense.
I also agree with the ladies. Don’t worry, i’m sure Mari will help you make sense of everything later. We girls just naturally get things.
Cute pix of u guys.
Yeah Oso..sometimes in the things of love..women have already overanalyzed everything for you before you are aware that you love them…so when they say chill..it’s cuz they know it’s gonna be all good.
Oh Oso! You finally get it. You finally found your home. My heart is bursting.
Damn dawg, after reading this post I feel guilty for leaving you besos in the previous post. Tell Mari I was just kidding and there is no reason to get jealous, were just friends.
You two make a cute couple.
yeah HP, I’ve been meaning to tell you to step off for a while now ~
~ but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have to share Oso with you, sparsh, revaz, raman, bobby, dave, et al., (um, in no particular order, guys). Yeah, that’s love.
your post made my day
You already know my thoughts on these matters. Suerte, amigo.
Let me just add that there are probably many disappointed women around the world after reading this post.
It’s about time. She’s both gorgeous and good for you.
Kindness grows from love. I can’t wait to hear more about her.
Oso, you’re a a true writer. Finding cohesive elements in life is not only difficult, but foreign to most. You do a fabulous job though.
As far as questioning “why” you “have to” analyze everything…dont question. That is your “go with the flow”. The status quo align true happiness with being mesmerized by beauty. Brandishing it off as something they can never understand, so merely embracing a delightful mystique should suffice on any occasion.
I once stood atop Barcelona, before I had ever even met the city, and felt nothing…only when I met it’s people, it’s taverns, it’s Gaudi, did realize I was in the midst of something beautiful”-excerpt from one of my journals…
I think it’s rubbish to peruse through life without questions. Who could ever read Whitman without questioning his words, his purpose, his direction, his syntax, grammar, tone, etc, etc, etc? I’ll oblige with the idea that there is a limit to analysis, but I’ll always defend it.
I suffer, as many others on here do, from “over analysis”. I know it. My friends know it. My family knows it. It’s a phrase, “being over-analytical”, that I’ve often heard. But it’s my curse, and I’ve grown to love it, cherish it, and enhance it. Without it, I would merely read through Whitman’s words and delight in the fact that I could read them. But, that’s not enough. And it never should be ok for it to be enough. I think questioning the world around you, badgering it until it’s deepest darkest secrets are revealed, is not only essential in coming to the deeper understanding of our role as humans in this universe, but it allows us to take the mystique, the magic, the aromas of life to a higher level of understanding.
friday morning rant is over :)…hope we can meet up again soon amigo….ciao
I’m not sure if making sense is what love is about… but what do I know. I miss Mari’s words (hi!) and I miss your optimism.
You know, I still have to make lots of trips to the bay. Let me know if you want a free trip (sorta).
If you were a girl, I bet you’d be glowing. Maybe your freckles will twinkle or something.
I just love it when I’m proven right. You’ll make a good man yet.
hooray for love !
muchas felicidades. the two of you make a beautiful couple.
I’m so happy for you both, and I can’t wait to see where this takes you.
Good for you sir … good for you.
Hi, my name is Rolando Garza, and I approve of this relationship.
A perfect 10 hug? Couldn’t agree more… there are sometimes when words fail, when an emotion cannot be transmitted but by hugging another person.
I’m glad you’ve found someone that questions your over-questioning; a compannion in moments of happiness, or sadness… someone to love, … someone to hug.
However, regarding your curiosity… Alexander Pope once said:
In a somewhat parallel way, this may also holds true:
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that you are who you are,… and everyone is curious to a certain degree… we are all seeking answers. Some people give up on finding the answers to their most important questions; some don’t.
Oh well,… just, take care… both of you.
Greetings from Monterrey, Mari. ¡Mucho gusto!
Hugs from Monterrey.
my name is ratna and i endorse this message.
Hey Oso, made my way here after a long while and am glad I did. Congratulations and best wishes to you and Mari. You guys look beautiful together (yes, on the basis of one photograph, but it’s true :)). Lovely post.
Cheers!
I felt the butterflies just by reading this. This was sweet!
OMG! you are in LOVE! Isn’t that beautiful? happy new year my friend…Un abrazo desde Panama!
M
[...] A veces me entero “luego que muchos” de algunas noticias. Pero, le quita mérito al asunto? Definitivamente que no! Por eso y para iniciar el año con todas las ganas, me uno a esta meme. Se preguntarán como me enteré, cierto? Bueno, visitaba en technorati los links a CookingDiva, y me lo encontré en el blog de El Oso, al que por cierto le envío un abrazote de año nuevo, y un millón de felicidades por ESTE post! [...]
Hi David, how beautiful. Love first..I think you and Mari had something very special. While you’re away, remember some of the good times that brought you close to Mari and how you both shared some very special and loving moments. Have a safe trip home. Angie from TX