Posted 2 years, 4 months ago late at night by oso
My Dearest Lovely Women,
It’s so great that you have all your magazines. 763 ways to look irresistible. 477 secret sensual spots on every man. 13 steps to a flatter tummy, etc, etc.
Every week you have hundreds and hundreds of glossy, pastel-colored publications to choose from, each one full of thousands of tips to ensure that you’re living life to its very fullest. I think that’s just great.
I must also apologize that we men do not have an equivalent. Just imagine how improved your lives would be if we also stayed abreast of the newest 477 sensual spots on a women. No longer would you have to think to yourself, “my god, does he really think I’m enjoying this?”
However, I do have one very big bone to pick with these ad-stuffed authorities on femininity. I have a hunch … a very sure hunch … that recent issues of Vogue, Cosmo, Mademoiselle, etc, have had articles on “134 ways to know if guys are checking you out.”
Here is what has been happening to me lately: a pretty or not-so-pretty girl comes up and asks me what time it is or how to get to X beach. I tell her, she smiles graciously, and then turns to walk away.
This is the important part. For several millennia men have utilized the next three seconds to “check out,” “appreciate,” “look over,” “recortar” the figure of a woman. In all unbecoming honesty, we start at the buttocks. Not because of some frat boy, “let’s go score some ass” rhetoric, but because the buttocks is the magical foundation which mysteriously connects two otherwise disparate universes: the legs and torso. The way that one body-part is able to so beautifully, so effortlessly join together such polar opposites as the knobby, jointed legs and thick, sturdy torso is something to behold.
From the buttocks our eyes either scan up or down depending on chance and circumstance. The point is to appreciate the figure’s form and movement, the taken-for-granted ballet of the everyday.
For a guy, for every guy, we savor these three seconds like nothing else. We don’t get hard, we don’t have lewd pornographic fantasies, we just admire nature’s flawless perfection of not the ideal body, but just the opposite: each one’s uniqueness.
So clearly, I am alarmed that now, after just one second of admiration, the girl invents some reason to turn around and …
Busted!
Immediately, I feel like a lecherous creep. How dare I look at any part of a woman except her eyes! I am at once angry and embarrassed by my own human nature. She meanwhile feigns to be offended, throwing her hair back in disgust. The irony, of course is that I want to check her out and she wants to be checked out, but social norms transcend our own impulses.
So you see, my dearest lovely women, we are all much better off if you ignore those magazines’ well-intentioned advice and just keep walking on. Cognizant or not of our following eyes, we will continue to admire your graceful steps.
Eternally yours, for better and worse,
Oso
Most days I look out across the pinkish bay an hour or so before sunset. A circling maelstrom of pelicans turns and turns, looking for their evening meal. Once every ten seconds or so, one falls from the sky like a piano pushed out of a park avenue penthouse. SPLASH! And either the pelican is fed or it must do it again.
I often wonder if this is a humiliating act in the bird world. Do the pelicans curse god for making them ungracefully belly flop into the sea each night just to satisfy their most basic animal necessities. Have they accustomed themselves or are they filled with shame each time they smack into the sea water, for all to see, out of desperate hunger.
oh the guilt of it all! dude dont worry, we check out the ass too. in fact, we got a girlfriend at the corner you just passed to let us know your cute ass is coming our way. . 2 steps ahead, that’s the name of our game.
Nice try, but I’m not buying it! Especially this line “each one’s uniqueness” You know you were looking at her A$$
you’re right men wanna look and women can sometimes enjoy being admired but i think ONLY when the attraction is somewhat mutual–otherwise he just comes of as creepy and gross. and then you don’t want him to know that you know he’s looking because it just makes for a very awkward situation. trust me we usually know when your looking, we can feel your eyes on our ass every time we walk away.
and as for pelicans. maybe their belly flops don’t hurt. maybe they’ve been wired to really enjoy this.
“The point is to appreciate the figure’s form and movement, the taken-for-granted ballet of the everyday.” That’s quite an eloquent way of putting it, without being offensive. I agree with Irasali..being checked out is kewl as long as their is a mutual understanding and agreement of the “human nature” behavior taking place. If the guy is not presenting himself as an attractive and respectful individual worthy of ass staring..then we freak and call them a perv. It’s actually a delicate chess game of sorts. Kind of like the Manakins courtship Everything must be done with precision.-
u say it well.
Just the discussion I was hoping for.
CAD,
Did you really leave that cheerful comment at 4:23 a.m.? No wonder you’re two steps ahead - you never sleep! And thank you for noting the fact that women check out guys just as much as vice-versa … only with more subtlety.
And let’s be clear, not only do women check out men, but they also check out women. In fact, when I see an attractive woman walk through a crowded restaurant, just as many of the following eyes belong to women as they do men. The difference: women are interested in how she makes the most of what she’s got (hair cut, clothes, accessories), whereas men are simply interested in the overall, holistic beauty. In my opinion, that makes the man’s interest more authentic, more flattering.
Julissa,
Yes, absolutely, I was looking at her ass. That was, in a way, the entire point. But really, the reason we never tire of looking at women is because each one is so unique, so utterly unlike any other.
Irasali, Yolanda,
Here is a troubling notion: only attractive people are allowed to admire the beauty of the human body. What if I happen to not be attracted to Indian women? Then should no single Indian woman be allowed to check me out without being considered “creepy”? Why is admiration appreciated when it comes from an attractive person, but not an unattractive person? Aren’t they both saying, I am looking at you, I find your body beautiful, I appreciate your form?
Every morning I run around my neighborhood with my shirt off. I do it because I like feeling the sun on my shoulders and I like feeling the occasional breeze blow against my salt-sweaty skin. Because of where I live, it means that each morning a handful of gay guys lean out of their cars and “check me out.” Most of them are old, out of shape, driving ridiculously expensive cars. I’m obviously not attracted to these guys, but it doesn’t creep me out. They are acknowledging their approval of, not me, but my body. And I accept the flattery. I don’t understand why women can’t also accept the flattery of men.
Revazito,
You are bold for saying so.
Oso,
Re: “The checking out” issue. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways of doing it. Of course, these are culturally determined and what may be appropriate to one may be gross to another. There is also an issue of gendered power dynamics. Women have a tendency to feel more vulnerable (sometimes justified, sometimes as part of social conditioning), especially in the eyes of someone whom they see as threatening or undesirable. Thus you can comfortably run topless through Hillcrest (well women probably could do it too without being oogled, huh?) and have men admire you.
I too appreciate beauty, but I find myself first noticing how someone carried themselves and their energy. Second I notice their eyes. Someone in Mexico once told me > and I feel its true. Then I notice how the eyes fit with the face. Last I may notice what other “attributes” the person has. But before that I already have concluded whether I find them attractive or not.
As for people checking me out - I am usually clueless. If I do notice, I usually take it as a compliment. Like you, I have little to be threatened by.
Re: Pelicans. I would have thought you would know better than to anthropomorphize animals. Humiliation is a human experience. Their concern is getting a good meal, and their splash and huge beak allows them to do that. So all is well.
Re: Dinner at Nathan and Rosario’s. I am sorry I have not replied to your email. As you know things have been busy and stressful. It was fun hanging out with you, drinking margaritas, and eating excellent food. I found our conversation engaging and thought provoking. I am looking forward to the next time!
My Spanish quotes were confused as HTML and my quote was lost. The spanish quote is “Los ojos no mienten.”
Xolo,
Yes, absolutely, culture is paramount. In fact, I have several friends who complain about the following eyes of men while here in the United States and then go off to travel only to come back and complain that American men don’t know how to admire or give attention to women. Furthermore, speaking of eyes, I loved walking around Prague (city of the most beautiful eyes in the world) where everyone made eye-contact with each other, but in Japan, it felt like I was being aggressive.
I also completely agree with what you say about intimidation and threat. What I was describing assumes that there is no harmful intention, no physical threat in the man’s admiration. If there is, then it should be called what it is: “threatening,” not “creepy.” In fact, that’s what I’m really trying to get at … what does “creepy”
even mean? What constitutes a creepy guy? And is it his fault for being creepy or is it discrimination against unattractive men who are honest with their sexuality?
As far as the birds go, I think that so many descriptions of human sexuality resort to cliche metaphors with animals … or, as you put it “anthropomorphization” … because our own mating rituals have not evolved one bit from those of our pre-primate ancestors. It’s too tempting.
“only attractive people are allowed to admire the beauty of the human body.”
i am not saying that only attractive people should enjoy the privilege of checking out asses without coming off as pervs. but as the tired cliche goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. so oso, some girls might welcome your admiring glances at their rear ends more readily than others. we’re complicated like that. something that can make any man automatically unattractive and creepy is not being discreet about what he’s checking out. some men just have eyes that advertise their lewd thoughts, kind of like the creepy guys checking you out. maybe it doesn’t really bother you because its that you know that it will be impossible for them to procreate with you. women’s instinct is to improve the dna and maybe that’s why we are much fussier about who we want noticing us. also, i suspect that more than enjoying the sun and breeze on your shoulders you like how these men validate and approve of your physical beauty–your such a vain little bear.
Man this is one of the things I really miss since I got back from Brazil. I miss the game between male and female, and I miss the sacred second glance. You know it…you’re walking down the sidewalk and this fly girls is walking towards you, you pass her, maybe fight the urge for a sec, and then turn your head, and boom, shes lookin back too. I love that, its just a second of elation and you turn your head and keep walkin but with a big ass grin on your face.
I grew up around a bunch of hippies, a lot of “strong women,” checking out girls wasn’t allowed, and in general I fought the urge because I felt that I was objectifying her and partaking in the overal system of female exploitation etc. I agree with some of it, and think other of it is just the tendency of the left to get all hissy and conservative with PCness…when I went to Brazil I decided fuck it, I’m gonna have fun and not worry about it…be conscious of my actions, do my best to respect women, be aware of the fact that there are power issues involved, that it isn’t exactly the same for me to oogle a girl as for her to oogle me beacause I’m not afraid of her overpowering me if it came down to it, but if a beautiful woman walks by, my heads a turnin, cause its fun and its silly (I mean you’re enraptured by a piece of fat on the backside of a girl that is the locus of defacation), and I’m down with fun and silliness.
As the wife of an ass man, I just can’t see any problem with a little innocent admiration from time to time. Just don’t start licking…
I never said that a woman hates that any specific nationality of male stare at her. The problem is getting the real dirty and perverted guys seperated from those such as yourself who simply admire. The creeping out part comes with the definition of the stare. If we get a vibe that isn’t “admiration” then we tend to feel violated. Women are more detailistic and might catch something you might not realize you did with your glance or body language. So in essence we don’t mind the stare, just the type of stare. If you want to know which one that is..it’s complicated.:)
For a guy, for every guy, we savor these three seconds like nothing else.
not every guy …. some guys may be savoring the three seconds watching YOU walk to the beach. but not me.
Don’t feel guilty about it. If it makes you feel any better, females do it too. (smile)
>
Of course we check out men, and I think many would agree on the fact that we start at the same place “the bumbum.” There are books written on the subject—But that is only to start. Let’s say that the guy has the perfect bumbum, but is he able to have an interesting, entertaining conversation for 5 minutes at least? Let me see your brain? sometimes it is a complete turn off—Most of the time, they do not even have brains. LOL
Melissa, you are right. It is a HUGE turn off when a very attractive man opens his mouth and is a complete idiot. That old saying “it’s not what is on the outside but what is in the inside the inside that matters” is really true.
I do like to check guys out. (I like the legs!) I usually don’t go and talk to them though. I would rather keep the image of perfection in my mind than burst that bubble!
Irasali,
I think discreetness depends on culture. Personally, I tend to be a fan of straightforwardness over subtlety, but to each her own.
I’m curious as to what you mean about “improving the DNA.” How does one go about that?
Catatu,
Those hippies … dangerous women to admire. Luckily for me, I tend not to. Then again, my friend Eli is one fo the most straightforward guys I’ve ever seen (”Hi, I’m Eli, can I give you a tour of my bedroom”) and the hippie girls love it. The wonders of dark skin and dreadlocks …
Ree,
We need more of you around here.
Yolanda,
Neither did I. And I have to admit, I am playing a little dumb here. There have been times that I’ve been on the street, admiring a beautiful girl walking by when some nasty elbows me and says “wouldn’t you like to just bend that over and …” and then I too am creeped out. But at the same time … humans are sexual … and I think it’s better to accept it than condemn it.
Myke,
I did think about that while I was writing the post. But I’ve got to disagree with you. I admire guys bodies even though I’m not sexually attracted to them and I would guess that you admire women’s bodies as well. If not, you should, they are wonderful things.
Dragonflypurity & Melissa,
Of course, we all check each other out … it’s so much fun … that’s why I don’t get why some people complain about it .. and why it’s ok for some people to check out, but not others.
Melissa & Kelly,
Brains are beautiful things. It’s pretty silly, but when I see a girl sitting alone and reading, it’s automatically a giant turn on. It bumps her up to model status in my universe.
First off, who doesn’t like staring at pretty things? What I’m trying to say is that women sometimes ask for it!
If their wardrobe could speak for them, you’d hear something like “Look at me, no… look at my butt”…
A very important thing to note, is that women wear things that ‘point out’ their assets:
*a thong lets the viewer appreciate the roundedness of a woman’s ass
*a bra allows the viewer admire the sphericity or conical form of the woman’s boobs
*a short skirt displays in an aesthetically pleasing way the woman’s legs
*makeup allows the woman to enhance her facial charm, so that a man is easily captivated by the unique and beautiful features of the woman’s face
And then they wonder why us men are staring!?
os, improving the dna. i heard it somewhere (pbs maybe) thats how we choose our mates. i’m sure i am not giving the scientific definition of this theory any justice but here’s what i recall. its more instinct to procreate and we are not always aware of it–we just know what we like and find attractive. it leads men to check out the hip waist ratio on women to see if she is good for childbearing and therefor passing on his seed. women view more robust men for stronger and healthier babies. there was a test somewhere that showed that the better symmetry in the face the prettier a woman was considered by men–i’m sure it works both ways. and part of that study showed that women with bigger eyes and fuller cheecks–very similiar to babies–were also considered more attractive b/c again it was triggering men’s subconscious and his instinct to procreate.
I think it is sexy when Xolo says “There is also an issue of gendered power dynamics.”