Posted 4 years ago in the early afternoon by oso
Our last day in New York a crazy person stumbled forward through the subway car while muttering something about Jesus. And it struck me … maybe I wasn’t being ambitious enough in my search for purpose.
Jesus, now there was a dude with purpose. The salvation of all mankind! Maybe I could shoot for that. Or Marx: the end of capitalist social alienation. Or even that old perve Freud: individual self-realization. There were some motherfuckers some purpose. Surely – with a little twiddling of the thumbs – I could come up with my own purpose just as grandiose as theirs. So I ducked into a second-hand bookstore and bought Leslie Stevenson’s Seven Theories of Human Nature in which he describes the ideas and ideologies of Jesus, Freud, Lorenz, Marx, Sartre, Skinner, and Plato. I was sure that after checking out what these guys had to say, I’d be able to come up with my own righteous movement.
So here are the ideologies that have already been taken:
- Plato: Absolute truths transcend our daily realities. Those truths can be understood only be serious philosophers. Serious philosophers should rule the world. Everyone else gives them BJ’s all day.
- Jesus: Fear not that your life sucks – that’s the whole point. It’s supposed to suck so bad that the only thing you think about is what comes next. Meanwhile, give 10% to the church for administrative fees.
- Marx: you are an alienated individual because the work you do benefits neither you nor society at large, but rather a select class with bad taste in sweaters. ¡Viva Zapata!
- Freud: We want to have lots of sex and we want to pick our noses in public but society doesn’t let us so we’re miserable. What we need is a movement of nose pickers and bunny humpers. In the meanwhile, let’s analyze everyone’s dreams – it’s fun!
Sartre: We are condemned to be free. If we are angry or sad it’s because we want to be angry or sad. Conscioussness implies that we are free to be absolutely anything we want to be, feel anyway that we want to feel. Such freedom is overwhelming so we pretend like we are bound by restrictions. Sartre says to stop fronting, stop acting like you aren’t free to do what you want, to be who you want to be, to feel how you want to feel.- Skinner: Our behavior is conditioned almost completely by our environment. In fact, what we call “behavior,” is really just the learned reactions of society’s reinforcements. We don’t steal solely because society tells us over and over again not to steal. If we want a better society, we need a better society to condition future generations to become better individuals. We should analyze how we reinforce citizens and design a new, more peaceful, and just culture.
- Lorenz: As humans we are just animals with fancy clothes. Our personalies and choices are governed by the same four fundamental innate drives: fucking, feeding, fighting, and fleeing. Of all of those, aggression is important; especially in groups. We have a certain amount of innate aggression that just needs to be let out somehow or another. Humor promotes friendship, attacks fraud, and releases tension without getting out of rational control. “Humor and knowledge are the two great hopes of civilization.”
OK, sure so they’re some bright people. But this sort of all-encompassing theory of the universe and how to fix it can’t be that difficult to come up with. It’s a shame that I wasn’t the first to write the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
… still twiddling my thumbs on this fine Sunday afternoon, but I promise faithful bear blog readers, a treatise if forthcoming.
I believe it is only fair you post the picture of you passed out on the couch.
Congratulations. It sounds like you have shown your first signs of a quarter-life crisis.
Abo,
I believe that you, too, are an author of this weblog.
Patri,
Your view on my life span is much more optimistic than my own.
I’ve reached the same peak in my life. However, I decided last week, after watching a relentless Ronaldinho dribble his way past five Chelsea defenders, leaving everyone mesmerized by the Ginga of Brazilian soccer players, that my time spent on Nietzsche and Kierkegaard has left me in ruins. I’m going to be a fat soccer player, whether the world likes it or not! Can we say jack rabbits instead of bunny humpers? ciao…
© Citoyen du Monde Inc. 2006™
Graphically accurate, that photo of the Abogado guy is frighteningly close to the Catholic image of Jesus’ face while hanging on the cross. That was on purpose, right? If so, what does Revaz’s face symbolize? What’s good to know is that I can always count on you to trivialize any concept I hold dear, any and all of them, as contradictory as they might be you seem to know how to debase them all equally.
jennifer, thats incredible. abogados face really does look like the jesus. weird. maybe we can burn his face into a tortilla and cash out on ebay. dont fuck with the jesus.
8-year-olds, dude. 8-year-olds.
Ale,
Unless you’re in the midfield, I think the bunny humping would be more efficient in shedding off the winter weight.
Jen,
That should teach you to stop holding things dear. Well, except for me of course. And I wasn’t trying to debase anything … my goal was brevity not blasphemy. Normally Sparky is the one to get the Haysooce comments, but yeah, Abo’s uncanny resemblance to the famous guy in the birkenstocks did not escape me. Revaz is, of course, none other than Yahweh himself.
Moreno,
An abo-quesadilla on ebay could make us rich, with or without the jesus.
Bobbo,
There will come a day when I’ll catch onto your relentless movie quoting. Until then, my friend, I laugh at you, not with you.
finally. all that crap in one place so i can find it easier. thank you.
“Abo” is better suited for a grilled cheese, I think. And I see Revaz’s miraculous apparition taking place on a piece of chapati. I envision yours on a large, California-style burrito tortilla. I wouldn’t sell yours on eBay, though. I’d keep it in my room, and then when it got stanky I’d put it in my fridge. Muah.
Leahpeah,
I agree, pure caca … huate. Wait until you hear my path to salvation … it’ll be worth the $10 paypal donation.
Jen,
I want some of whatever you are smoking.
being Christian, I should really not laugh at you #2. . .but I did. . Good thing my God has a sense of humor. . and good thing I was saved even before being concieved. . .with that said. . see you in hell my friend!
(I have a reserved table!)
Besides the fact that I am going straight to hell for just reading this post. Don’t worry, I already had my elevator pass, you just upgraded it to express; I believe you just helped a bunch of people pass Philosophy 101. Term paper plagiarism begins. Paypal $10 bucks for any grade higher than a C.
Cad,
My god’s hilarious too. Wait a minute … what if your god and my god were, like, the same god? Small world I tell you.
Logtar,
Abo and I were actually going to start a company writing term papers for desperate students. We were absolute monarchs when it came to downing a six pack at midnight and coming up with a genius term paper by 4 a.m. But then we realized that the company would require us to be alcoholics.
I think I could take all of the pictures on this posting and make-up compromising STORIES about you all.
this probably one of the best posts you’ve ever written. I loved it!