Posted 4 years, 1 month ago mid-afternoon by oso
In addition to the hot water bottle and plaid green pimp’s suit, my grandparents also subscribed me to Harper’s this Christmas. As it would turn out, these three are now the women of my life; my sole bed companions each night.
Go ahead, scream your bloody protests, but Southern Californian nights have been freezing-ass cold lately. It’s bizarre. From noon to one, Dave and I are lounging pull side, shirts off, admiring the frog-shaped bodies of the women’s dive team. But then comes the depressingly early sunset and the mercury falls lower than teenage girls’ waistlines. No bueno.
Around midnight I put on Coltrane’s Ballads and slip under the two down comforters. I’m happy to say that after some amateurish can’t-get-the-bra-strap-off fumbling around, the hot water bottle has expertly found its place atop the thick pillow, but under the thin one. The plaid pimp suit is as comfortable as ever. And Harpers … it’s so scintillating that I probably look like a 13-year-old who just found his older brother’s copy of Maxim for the first time.
I have been a fan of Harpers for quite a while. But usually I have to fight for it with my fellow public library-goers, god bless their hearts. It’s just that good. Smut for the intellect. All last year my Granny was sending me these little notes about X article in Harpers. I’d run to the library, read it, love it, and email her back as if I had already read it weeks ago. She’d offer to put the whole issue in mail. “No, no granny,” I would respond. “You see, I am now against the purchase of print. I am a modern man; there is the inkernet, there is the library, I despise the ownership society.” (just ask my credit card companies, I don’t own anything)
But good on her for ignoring me. I love this idea of taking the words with you. It makes reading so uncommitted, so enjoyable, so unlike your typical relationship. You listen to it whenever you fancy. Now why can’t I find a woman like that?
The first issue they mailed was last January’s even though the Feb. issue is already out. I owe you at least a few paragraphs of transcription. It’s that good. But what to pick?
The infamous Harper’s Index? I could tell you, for instance, that an estimated 5,000 Americans make a living off of fake arrowheads. Or that one in five of all human genes has now been patented. Or maybe that Bill Clinton’s approval rating the day after his impeachment was 73, compared to Bush’s 37 in November. But no, not the index. Too much insinuation, not enough substance.
I could comment on James English’s excellent diagnosis of the insane exponential increase in cultural award ceremonies and how it diminishes their significance. Or Michael McFee’s poetic ode to the letter Q.
Hmm, how about the hidden eroticism of the yawn? Or better yet, an excerpt from the official 1674 pamphlet, Women’s Petition Against Coffee, Representing to Public Consideration the Grand Inconveniences Accruing to their Sex from the Excessive Use of that Drying, Enfeebling Liquor.
But of course I would choose the sexual articles right? Maybe I should consider a more serious topic … Cannibalism in Dharamsala? Last words of death row inmates in Texas before execution? Memory books left behind to their children by HIV-infected mothers in Uganda? Parag Khanna’s sound argument on why Bill Clinton must follow Kofi Annan as UN Secretary General? The state of Iraq by Bissel and Tower.
Dunno … it all sounds a bit heavy no? OK, I think I’ve found the one … entitled, High Maintenance:
From the instructions for REALdoll, a $6,500 life-size silicone sex doll. Customers can choose among nine body types, fifteen faces, five skin tones, and three pubic-hair styles. The company has sold 3,400 dolls in the last ten years.
Your REALdoll’s internal skeleton is jointed much like a real human being; certain positions are stressful on the joints. In other words, your doll is NOT meant to be put in unusual or unnatural positions! Do not position your doll doing a “split” or spread the legs in an extreme fashion. Always be as gentle as possible when positioning your doll. Be careful with your doll’s fingers – they can be easily damaged. When posing the hand, grasp the wrist, not the fingers.
The doll weighs as much as a real woman, so certain positions are not advisable. Prolonged kneeling is not advised due to the stress placed on the knee joints. Another style that is difficult to attain is “doggie style,” as this places considerable pressure on the elbows, shoulders, and knee joints. It is not advised that your doll be left standing for more than fifteen minutes, as the weight could start to damage the feet. For standing poses, we do advise creative uses of the neck hook.
Experiment with different ways of moving your doll to find what works best for you. Using a wheeled office chair to assist in going from room to room is a common solution. When seated, the ideal position is legs parted 24″ with hands flat on her thighs.
Very tight of binding straps left on your doll over an extended period can form dents in the flesh, as on a real person. It is therefore preferable to store your doll in the nude.
Small tears eventually happen. You can repair a tear with caulking. Damage to your doll’s skeletal structure is very unlikely; however, if you believe something internal is broken, please call us for information.
When you first receive your doll, you may notice a slight tackiness on its skin. This will lessen over time but is initially remedied with baby powder. A regular powdering of the skin will give it a smooth, lifelike feel. Powdering is especially recommended after bathing your doll, which should be done at least once a month when the doll is used on a regular basis.
Bathing can be done in an actual bathtub or in the recommended “sponge bath” fashion. When cleaning your doll, be as gentle as possible, especially around the pubic hair, eyebrows, and any painted areas. Also, brush your doll’s hair on a regular basis or it will quickly become unmanageable.
To avoid damage to painted areas such as the face, nipples, and vagina, avoid rubbing these areas without lubrication.
Special note for the cleaning of the oral entry: Carefully remove the tongue from your doll’s mouth with your fingers; it should come out easily when the mouth is lubricated. Rinse the tongue separately and replace it once the orifice is clean.
Care for Your REALdoll FACE system: Always remove the face slowly, working fingers between Velcro pads to separate and going from the outside in. When putting on a Face, some adjustments in alignment maybe be required. Eyes may need to be adjusted after seating the face into position. Tightening the jaw can be done with a Phillips-head screwdriver. By removing teh back portion of the skullcap, the neck can be adjusted with an Allen wrench.
For times when you wish to use your REALdoll in the “face down” positions, it is highly recommended that you remove her face. This will absolutely save wear and tear AND eyelashes!
Treat your doll like a very expensive work of art, which is what it is!
$6,500. Hmm. Who knows, maybe I’ll one day soon have a fourth bed companion.
Oh, god no. Even the most high-maintenance woman doesn’t feign acceptance of a [baby powder] sponge bath without some assertion of compensation. Save your money.
Yeah, exactly! I think I should be paid for having to give a sponge bath as well.
ohh David, never say no…
Me reservo mis comentarios por lo de la muñeca de goma
Buenas noches!
M
Harper’s was my crack. Alexi got me a subscription one year….oh what a glorious year that was. Now I go down to a local coffee shop once a month or so and collect all the left over Harpers, Alantic Monthly’s, Economist’s, High Times and more…I feel a bit guilty taking them…but they are so good.
“For times when you wish to use your REALdoll in the “face down” positions, it is highly recommended that you remove her face.”
just like a real woman…
but she breaks just like a little girl
there is just so much good stuff in there that if i started quoting the good parts, it would be the entire thing. one of the REALdolls is named Leah. She looks exactly like me. It’s like they copied my exact DNA.
I had to let my subsription to Harper’s lapse. I was never giving it the attention it so deserved. So now I just get Bitch, Bust and Budget Living. I just now noticed they all start with B. =)
But can she keep you warm through these cold nights?
M,
Solamente les doy consejos a los demás, pero nunca a mi mismo.
EM,
How dare thee call Harper’s “crack” … if there were ever an upper-class literary drug, this is it. We’re talking the finest cut powder here. Meanwhile, if I ever caught you taking any print from my neighborhood coffee shop, your thumbs would be cut off. Ownership society is permitted, thieves are not.
Moreno,
Brilliant, as usual. It’s a shame most won’t get the reference. Always so lovely to see you on your monthly pass through.
Leah,
Don’t tell Joe, but I have to admit, the Leah doll has made my final cut of three finalists.
Eliz,
Bitches and budgets are plenty in my life, though I could certainly do with some more bust.
Cindylu,
“In other words, your doll is NOT meant to be put in unusual or unnatural positions!”
ARE THEY SERIOUS! OH GAWD!
AHAHHAA, maybe that is why they’ve only sold 3400 in the last 10 years and not 100,000. What I’m wondering is, what percentage of the customers were male. . and what were female, I bet the end results would be alarming!
Yeah, I agree, I think it’s all women buying these things as well. That’s why Dave, Cindylu, and I are going to be so rich. Better buy stocks while they’re low.
I think I just vomited in my mouth
“Special note for the cleaning of the oral entry: Carefully remove the tongue from your doll’s mouth with your fingers; it should come out easily when the mouth is lubricated. Rinse the tongue separately and replace it once the orifice is clean.”
tee hee.. how romantic. what happens if you missplace the face? does it come with extra parts and pieces or will you have a faceless pair of eyesockets staring at you forevermore?
And washing ONCE a month? Ewwww… I wouldn’t want my unmentionable parts anywhere close to something that’s been stewing in its juices for a month. Ew ew ew.
i want an indian doll
Julissa,
Come on, just picture some Harley Davidson-riding, lonely, sex fiend carefully and tenderly sponging the mouth of his silicon sex doll. I think it’s touching.
Medea,
Agreed. My ex’s never let me get away with more than two or three weeks without a good washing.
Sparsh,
Is this because you don’t know any Indian women?
she aches just like a woman,
but she breaks just like a little girl.
hows that? get it??
a bit disturbing. and if the face is removable i wonder if they sell faces seperately so those using their doll can spice things up with a little variety.
Moreno,
I love it when you quote Ryan Adams.
Irasali,
Switchable faces! (not too mention other body parts) Ingenious. Irasali, I proudly announce that you are part of the new company.
I took a seminar in college taught by Lewis Lapham. He lifted from my final essay and used it in his Harpers column. True story.
I can’t thank you enough for exposing me to my new favorite web site, realdoll.com. This made my day:
see larger photo
Realdoll torso
Due to a high number of requests, Abyss Creations is now offering the Realdoll torso. This torso starts just above the belly button, and terminates at mid thigh. It includes both Vaginal and Anal entries, and is made with the same high grade materials as the dolls. Available in all skin tones with your choice of pubic hair style and color. Also, if you purchase the torso for evaluation purposes and then decide to order a Realdoll, you may deduct $500.00 from the price of the doll.
What a deal!
Did you enter to win your free Realdoll?
Are you worried about competition? I haven’t filled out my entry yet … is it for a whole doll or just a torso? I have to admit, I’m an admirer of legs myself.
I’m actually waiting for the vibrating one you guys were talking about.
Hmmm.
This is weird. Do they make Latino Dolls of some sort?
And then Harper’s goes ahead and publishes the entire index.