Posted 5 years, 1 month ago in the wee hours by oso
I don’t think it will be difficult for us to reach a consensus that the passing of gas is funny. Hilarious. Always. Just typing the words breaking wind or rectal clapping puts a smile all over my face.
The problem is that too seldom are we afforded the opportunity to gleefully guffaw at that rich deep bass vibration that is the fart. Which is why ladies and gentlemen, paisanos y paisanas, chicos y chiquillas, I hearby proclaim the 21st century movement of “I Fart in Public.”
A memory just struck me from when HP was visiting Monterrey. It was the first time I had met his friend Omar and I suppose HP was trying to break the ice. What was one of the very first things HP said to Omar as an introduction to el Oso?
“Yo dawg, this dude thinks it’s OK to like fart in public and stuff.”
At the time it struck me as an odd way to convey my essential essence, but now I realize how right he was. If I were running for president, the “I Fart in Public” campaign would be the cornerstone of my political platform.
As luck would turn out, nearly all of my friends are what some commentators describe as “beyond their time.” In other words, we practice public flatulence with pride. And why shouldn’t we? You could hardly imagine the joy we bring others time and time again. Sure, I know what you’re thinking: a threshold must exist regarding the potential humor of breaking wind. Right? As it turns out, no. A fart is funny and always will be, no matter if it’s the first of the day or the thirtieth in as many minutes.
Some researchers ascribe this unique property to the wide acoustic variety of “letting one rip.” While typically the loudest and least fragrant farts are the crowd pleasers, there is something uniquely satisfying about a silent but deadly which slowly, but uniformly, lets its presence be known throughout a gathering. The satisfaction is based on something we call “group potential-cognitive synergy.” Put simply, this sociological phenomenon occurs during those glorious moments from when a “real stinker” is first detected in a group setting
Symptoms of group potential-cognitive synergy include sensations of euphoria, giddiness, smirking, the biting of lips, and at times, grinning. Then, after a critical mass is reached (usually around 5 seconds) – and especially if alcohol or marijuana are involved – this incredible force is transformed to group kinetic-physical synergy through outbursts of belly-spasming chuckles, high pitched giggling, and paradoxically enough, more farting, which only prolongs the interaction.
I relate all of this to you because, as it turns out, this bio-chemical conversion adds years to your life. It’s also been proven to improve quality of life, lessen the risk of heart disease, and also acts as a skin exfolient.
After manipulating some data through regression analysis on the quality of my friends’ lives and the frequency with which they break wind in public, I can tell you with confidence that just one little gasly rumbling a month in a public space and you will realize all of your greatest dreams.
If you’d like to learn more, I encourage you all to buy my latest self-published book on the subject, Anal Exogenesis: How to add years to your life by exhaling through your anus. Thank you and good night.
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That word, anus just won’t leave me alone this week. Man. OK, so this post had me laughing my ass off this morning at work. It is a great thing that I’m alone in the wee mornings. My girl and I are advocates of public belching. It’s sad to think that I used to be afraid to do any of that stuff in public. It wasn’t until I met my college friend Bianca, who taught me the ways of the deep, monstrous belch. She was this cute, innocent girl, with a mean, fierce belch. I learned from her that when I met my girlfriend nearly five years ago, I impressed rather than repulsed her by my monstrous belches. While in Vegas, I realized that Brautwurst makes me gassy. I did it in front of my buddy, Neil, who’s getting married in less than two months. He stared at me with this look. And I froze in my tracks. I knew what we each were thinking though: we hadn’t bonded like that since college, where we used to pass the time passing gas and seein’ who stunk the most. Gross? No way, male bonding, guey.
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Farts are funny … until you have to smell them.
As to farts improving your health and quality of life, that is just propaganda put out by the bean, sauerkraut, and Brautwurst lobbies…
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yep, just as I suspected. Raised in a barn.
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Will this new read have a chapter on the newest anal sensation – Sharting?
LOL – too funny.
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lol at ‘rectal clapping’…….
i use ‘barking spiders’
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Okay, as a researcher, I can’t just take this for face value. I need your methodology and how you measured different aspects of the “quality of life” of your friends. How did you pick your sample? What was your n? Could there be other confounding factors? Maybe your friends are just more active people thereby lessening their risk for heart disease and the farting is not the primary variable in improving quality of life. How did you control for these other variables?
Oh yeah, what was your final r-squared?
If this is true, my brothers and cousins will be pleased to know that their lives will be extended and healthier.
I am SO glad I don’t have to sleep in a tent with boys when I go camping.
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LOL. This post was hilarious, and I must admit, I am starting to be convinced. So convinced that before the next time we go out, I’ll eat a few bowls of beans, so that I can fart, fart, and fart, at every opportunity I get, while were at your favorite pub, where everybody knows you.
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EMC,
I’m a much more prolific gasser than belcher, but after a good Baja Fresh chicken burrito, I can do some serious damage. You comment reminds me: farts also bring friends together.
Xolo,
The fragrance of the fart can be oddly appealing segun yo. Much nicer than women with too much perfume.
Beckie,
Five years in Ohio.
Julissa,
What’s sharting? I’m intrigued. And you left an “a” off your url.
DD,
You use barking spiders or you do barking spiders? Come on, be honest.
Cindylu,
I control my variables. Promise.
HP,
That’s such a great idea. Let’s do that. They only let you into my favorite bar if you’re wearing flip flops though – you’ll have to buy some first.
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I don’t think I’ve ever read such a detailed analysis of flatulence. I find myself rather impressed and now will gleefully make the most of the experience. Of course, in my line of work, it might be a little improper … but I am looking for a change of scenary … though I must admit .. I don’t want to go down in history to be fired for an inability to control my flatulence while at work. Or public display of flatulence .. PDF as it were.
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What the hell is a “barking spider?” I am not really into loud farts..instead some would say I am “silent but deadly.” By the way quien tiene las orejas rojas??
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What the hell you going to Baja Fresh for? Oh yeah, you live in La Jolla…aka Walnut Creek by the beach. I was just thinking of you as I watched Lost in Translation finally Oso. I remember you telling me your thoughts after seeing in with Laura. I hope all is well down there. Don’t forget the launch party at the Kava Lounge August 24th. I won’t be there but you should be.
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Sharting = When you “pass gas” and “someting else” comes out
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Gustavo:
A barking spider is another name for a fart…..
For instance, I once heard a guy accidentally fart and then he turned around acting all surprised and stuff giving me a confused look……….and then he said, “That must have been a barking spider I heard”.
Bwaaa hahaha!
That phrase stuck with me ever since.
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so oso, would you be the co-worker that farts as well? i had a woman like that at my last job and it used to baffle me as to how everyone could just pretend that they didn’t just hear her rippin’ wind. and i guess it wasn’t so much the farting that bothered me (we all do it) it was that no one acknowledged it.
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Myke,
Just what we need, another acronym. Well done.
Gustavo,
Personally, I try not to discriminate. I think you’re asking about Prince Dutt.
Revacito,
I remember exactly what I thought after watching Lost in Translation. It was the same thing I though after watching A Love Song for Bobby Long: Scarlett Johansson has ridiculously nice thighs.
Julissa,
I shoulda totally gotten that.
Irasali,
More important than being the co-worker who farts, I’m the one who laughs out louds, which is obviously just the person que les faltaban at your last job.
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I clicked on Prince Dutt but got nada.
No fair. 
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I’ve been trying to think out to address this distasetful and substance lacking post, all I can come up with is “Ughh”.