Posted 3 years, 4 months ago in the early morning by moreno
that pun only works if you say it out loud, even then its still not that funny. Anyway, I finally got around to seeing the last Star Whores movie (again you got to say it out loud otherwise you might not….forget it).
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD:
so i finally got around to watching the new Star…oh wait i already said that. so yesterday Kid Nixon and I went to see Star Wars. Now I am a pretty big Star Wars fan, i have been since i was a kid. I didnt camp out in front of the theater or name my children Chewbacca because i’m not that lame, and more importantly i dont have any camping gear or children…yet. I love the story, i think its great. and i might be the first person to actually say this, but I don’t really like the new movies as much as the original 3. the original ones were so…original? yes. luke skywalker went from being a whiny crybaby (episode IV: A New Pope, 1977) to a certified Ninja Master (episode VI: Return of the King, 1982). George Lucas has got to be the greatest director of human emotion. Who can forget the scene where Michael grabs his brothers face and says “I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart”. so sad, yet so true. the dark side can do those things to you. it can make you talk like James Earl Jones and it can make you do business with Hyman Roth in pre-revolution Cuba.
Anyway, so I saw the newest STar Wars movie, and I cant believe it: Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father?!! Am I the only one who didn’t see that one coming?! George Lucas you’ve done it again!
Other revelations: Senator Palpatine was actually the Darth Sidious, Natalie Portman was actually Princess Amadalla, and Alec Guiness is rolling in his grave.
I have to admit I got the most laughs out of any other STAR WARS movie, and not from the comic relief (comic relief?!?) of R2D2 and C3P0; their attempts at humor were more disturbing than the rising cost of ticket prices. I’m talking about stuff that was really funny, like Darth Vader standing up with arms raised towards the sky yelling “nooo!!!!!!” or George Lucas trying to write/direct scenes involving human emotion.
speaking of humans, what was with the anthropomorphic robots?! the robots (or “droids” as they are called in this futuristic tale that takes place way in the past) walk and talk like humans?! General Grievous with the emphysema cough, guard droids vomiting up oil, Anakin talking like a human…oh wait that was just Hayden Christianson trying to act (hi-oh!!). seriously tho this shit sucks. the only human characteristic I want to see is c-3p0’s raging homosexuality. that shit is just downright kinky.
the special effects were a little too much. I really start to lose focus on the drawn out action scenes, i dont care how detailed they are: if i want to watch a video game i’ll watch the intro to Ninja Gaiden (remember that shit? man that story was nuts! the bad guy was actually his father!! how do you come up with tha…oh wait…right.) yea the lightsaber fights were cool but im still confused how those things work…9 volt?
Hey George Lucas, Obi-Wan should NOT be spitting out witty remarks, i dont care how funny you might think they are. Even Ewan (even ewan?) can’t save those awful lines you give him. “flying is for droids!” HAHAHAHAHAH…ha? nah man. thats stupid. or what about Obi Wan after using a gun instead of his usual lightsaber: “so uncivilized!” come on Lucas, you’re killing me.
I liked the part where Anakin got fucked up, mainly because it meant the god damned cartoon was almost over. seriously, there are a few scenes we are all watching this movie for: to see Anakin get fucked up by Obi-Wan, to see the Jedi get killed, to see Princess Amadala die, to see how Luke and Leia end up where they do in Episode IV, to see how Anakin becomes Vader. Luckily, all these scenes are relegated TO THE LAST GODAMNED 15 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE!! i agree, seeing the looks on the Jedi children’s faces when they realize theyre about to get hacked by Anakin is pretty cool, but i dont need to see the shit about the Wookies. Chewbacca is cool because hes a renegade who can’t speak English, is 8 feet tall
and wears a fucking ammunition belt around his body…NOT because he was Yoda’s best friend in Episode III (what the fuck?!) and is one of a million Wookies who live on a Wookie planet that looks a lot like the Ewok’s planet. Speaking of which, i’m real surprised there werent any Ewoks in the movie because the Ewoks are fucking stupid which means Lucas thinks they’re brilliant. they’ll probably be in the DVD deleted scenes.
Star Wars (or as George Lucas likes to call it: the distraction that keeps me from fatherhood, family life, and reality in general) is an epic story delivered to the people over 28 years in 6 sections, the last 3 first and the first 3 last. Lucas has got all the elements of Greek tragedy but without the naked wrestling: the raging Oedipal Anakin…Anakin “rescuing” his mother, the constant comparing of his mother to his wife….luke killing his father… its all there. the movie is 90% Computer graphics and the other 10% real actors (or as Lucas calls them, “humanoids”). I recommend seeing this movie if you’re a fan of the other movies, but if youre a fan of the other movies you probably didnt wait 3 weeks to see it like i did but in fact have already seen it 5 times (Inder).
And so, to sum up my review, Star Wars Episode III is better than Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
I haven’t seen estar gwars, but I am curious to see it. I have really no one to see it with, so I’ll wait until I’m either really bored (which I rarely am) or when I just need a good laugh, or something to complain about.
Either way, the other night I had the strangest dream. I was a Jedi, right, uh huh, you got it a Mexican Jedi. I even had the whole toga, garb thing going with my kickin’ Wal-Mart light saber, you know the one that you have to pop open like a Russian nesting dolls. And I was fighting some battle in some spaceship and my buddy Jedi friend was this overweight Wookie.
The cool thing about my overweight Wookie was that he was well, even if he was a bit on the chubby side, he could fly. And he’d fly and yell some jibber jabbah about Wookie Jedis forever and he’d choke people to death.
Basically, that was my estar gwars dream. No, Natalie Portman, no nada. Sheesh, just a fat wookie.
btw, I think Hayden Christiensen is a good actor. George Lucas has a tendency of making any great actors into wood.
Cez
A+++ WOULD READ REVIEW AGAIN!!!!11
Your review is deadly accurate.
That was hilarious. I was laughing too at the ridiculous parts. When Natalie Portman says those tender things to Anakin? That was ridiculous. I know actors are supposed to not feel ridiculous, but she had to feel silly saying some of those things.
And what was up with R2D2 kicking so much butt? That doesn’t make sense that he lost that ability in the later movies. And yea, it sucks he left the good stuff for the end and made it so quick. I wanted to see the Jedis not die so easy and quickly. That kind of sucked.
P.S. Hitchhiker’s guide was pretty funny.
i will wait for the dvd and instead spend my hard-earned money on “wedding crashers” this july.
hitchhikers guide was aight. i still think star wars ep III was better though. samuel jackson went out like a playa, much better than i thought jorge lucas was gonna have him go out. I mean he basically had the emperor cornered and finished dude!!! then annikan fucken backstabbed that nigga and cut his arm off. fucken’ white people always plottin’ against the brotha. im so sick of this shit in his movies. hahahahahahahahhaha, this racism is killin’ me. remember jar jar binx?! of course you dont.
p.s.-id rather watch paris hilton pack fudge
A challenge: to write about something you like besides comedians making fun of things they don’t like.
I went to the 25th anniversary re-release of the original and — yep — fell asleep. Since then I’ve had no desire to see any more Star Wars movies.
If you want a 70’s sci-fi movie franchise I actually care about, try Alien.