As I sat there and watched the numbers go up and up, while the the numbers on my horse stayed down, I realized the only way we can win this game is in numbers: right now there are simply more of them than us. The only solution? Reproduce. Get out there and start building families, huge families. Tell yourself “God hates birth-control,” and then get it on like rabbits. Forget the overcrowding of the world, zero population growth my ass! You can’t change peoples minds by going door to door or making cold calls. The only way to control how people think and to get them on your side is to raise them yourself. So I now ask all of you readers to go out there, find a partner, and mate mate mate. If all of us were at the heads of a nice Catholic-sized family in 50 years, imagine the clout we’d have at the polls! Think of the clowns we could put in office! The Republicans realized this a long time ago. Of course homosexuality is wrong, it doesn’t increase your party’s numbers! How are we expected to take back Ohio if you guys are out there putting the kaibash on our breeding! Leave homosexuality where it belongs: with lovable characters on tv shows about fashion. The only way to change the world is to conquer it, and the bigger the army the better.

Which brings me to my next point: everyone should go out and purchase as many fireweapons as they can afford. If you’re gonna raise an army youre gonna need assault weapons, and thanks to the right-leaning, straw-chewing, pig-violating population of middle america, these guns are perfectly easy to acquire.

Once we all have big families with big guns, nothing can stop us! We’ll tear that popular vote up, get our man in office, someone who worships the same god as us and hates the same cultures as we do (oh there’s just so many!). We’ll reconvene here in 47 years to gear up for the 2052 primaries; remember think big! It’s the only way. Everyone got it? alright! On three: one…two…three…F**k!!